4th April 1996
Well tonight was stupid as f**k.
I really don’t know where to start writing about this sham of a relationship anymore. Against my better judgement I gave it one more chance and now he’s gone. It’s a relief. I am left reeling from all his hateful words, his intimidation and his hostility. I am desperate to shake off this pain and humiliation. This is the end. I know I have said this over and over again, in fact so often that I want to slap myself but it is over.
Prior to this evening of hate, even though I was having some big time doubts, we were both still just plodding along, enjoying being apart on separate projects yet feeling closer when together. Quality time. A healthy balance. So, it felt like a natural step to introduce each other to our new worlds. Last week I had a fun but uneventful night out in Metros with his Comic Shop mates. They were ace, not what I expected at all (geeks). They were actually hilarious and really cool with not a Star Trek badge in sight.
So, tonight was His formal introduction to my new mates, Ben and Sophie. We met at The Taf, ordered some beers and three of us started chatting, awkwardly, whilst the other one drank relentlessly. The snippets of uncomfortable conversation that I can bear to recall went something like this,
Ben: “So, what kind of music are you into then?”
Him: “Nine Inch Nails, Depeche Mode, Stone Roses.” Took a huge swig of his pint.
Ben:”Some pretty dark stuff then…..”
Him:”Are you trying to say that I am a miserable c*nt? Is that what she’s told you? Just ‘cos I don’t dance around like a tit to Blur.”
Me:”I think everyone knows you don’t like Blur by now, there’s no need to start preaching again.”
Him:”F*ck off Gwen.”
Silence for about five minutes. Agonizing silence with me trying to hold back the tears. He couldn’t even pretend to make an effort with my new mates. His lack of respect for me and them was made so obvious by his drunken, aggressive body language. His pointing fingers and sneers, his ‘don’t give a f*ck’ shoulder shrugs. I wanted to punch his jeering face in.
Every time he went to the bar I had to apologise for his behaviour as though he was an awkward, spoilt two year old. I wished he’d go away and leave me there in good company. On his unfortunate return after his fifth or sixth pint we were having a deep and meaningful, beer-fuelled conversation about frozen peas. I can’t explain why and if it had not had such a significant effect on our evening it would have been forgotten in time forever. Lost in the Stella black hole. But, as it was the trigger for the evening’s downfall The Frozen Pea Conversation will probably still be remembered with incredulity many years in the future.
Him:”What are you on about?”
Me:”Frozen peas, me and Ben are trying to sell their benefits as a tasty snack to Sophie, she’s not ha…..”
Him:”What you two (pointing at Ben and I with his accusing finger) both like eating peas when they’re frozen?”
Before anyone could answer this ridiculous question, He slammed his beer down on the table and stood up tall. His eyes almost rolled back in his head as he roared,
“DON’T TRY AND MAKE OUT I AM AN IDIOT – I KNOW YOU TWO ARE SHAGGING!”
Ben and Sophie walked me home full of pity and disbelief. I had braced myself for the inevitable fallout from the pea conversation but he’s not here. He has gone.
I hope Mark Morriss’ voice can soothe me to sleep.
The end of us.