26th February 1996
I have been so ridiculously busy these last couple of weeks that my diary has been abandoned. This is how it feels to study a proper uni course instead of a Mickey Mouse, 16 hour a week, plod. The B.I.P has taken over my life and I must admit that I am enjoying being so focused and enthusiastic. I feel like a different person and wish I had been so keen the last two years of uni. What have I been doing all this time? Procrastinating and suffocating. Wasting away into someone else’s person. When I think back to my sixth form days, all Dr Martens and eyeliner, I was a different girl completely. Before I met Him I had enthusiasm, youth and confidence. I turn 21 this year but in my current situation I may as well be 31. Brain dead, dead from the waist down and a dead loss.
So, as a synopsis of my fast paced, action packed life over the last few weeks I have compiled two lists. The first is a list of good things that have happened, the second, predictably, a list of the not-so-good.
The Good Stuff
- After being voted Single of the Week in NME, the first Super Furry Animals single, Hometown Unicorn is out today. I went to Spillers this morning and bought my copy and have been listening to it, and the amazing B sides all day. SFA rule and I really hope they become a success. I remember Gruff’s former band Ffa Coffi Pawb playing at my school assembly hall. Maisie and I used to stalk the poor guy around Upper Bangor. Definitely on my ‘marry’ list.
- As I mentioned earlier, the B.I.P is turning my life around. I have actually been spending time in the Humanities library with Sophie and Ben. We have a regular table on the second floor and I have probably spent more time there than in the Taf this last month. What is happening to me? Books before beer?????
- I have been meeting more new people through the B.I.P – exciting people with ambition and energy. I have been translating a manifesto into Welsh for a Student’s Union President candidate and will be paid in beer. We will all be going out in a few weeks as part of his team. Lowly little old me part of the presidential team (OK not of the US of A but it’s a start!).
- He has a new weekend job in a Sci-Fi shop in town. He detests the clientele for what He calls their ‘pathetic obsessions’ but has found like-minded friends in the staff. He has the beginnings of a new social life. We see less of each other.
- My new found confidence and independence has led me to rekindle bygone friendships. Friendships that were deemed unsuitable by Him. I have been spending girly nights both in and out with Harry and Ruth. I had forgotten how good it feels to hang out with my mates. The hours of gossip and bitchiness over shared cigarettes. The sacred getting ready to go out rituals involving pre-drinking (in our own special glasses), watching Top of the Pops, TFI Friday or Blind Date. And then the day after, dirty details discussed at length with hungover heads. I am so enjoying being myself without watching my step.
The Bad Stuff
- A ridiculous cashflow problem, I still can’t find a job and am two months behind on my rent by now. I had to hide behind the sofa when Mr Afzal came round for his money yesterday. I can’t keep avoiding him for much longer. HUGE STRESS!
- Serious doubts about me and Him. I feel as though I have been suspended in time for the last two and a half years. There must have been good times but I find it really hard to remember them. There is another life out there. Every time I analyse our relationship, which I do frequently, the conclusion is the same. Escape. As I write this now it seems so clear but also terrifying. I need someone to tell me what to do, but maybe this is the first time in recent months that I do what I want to do. Help!
I’ve just made a cup of tea, lit a cigarette and put SFA on again. These actions have somehow, strangely, cleared my head. I am obviously becoming stronger and I need to make some serious choices, otherwise I am going to waste the last few months of Uni shackled to Him. What have I been missing out on whilst playing being happy with Him? I used to love Him, now I don’t. Simple.
‘Bydded Goleuni’ it says on the sleeve of Hometown Unicorn. Let there be light.